Positivity in a Binge Period

Days in Recovery: 0

Days Binge-Free: 0

Well, the numbers speak for themselves here, I think. Unfortunately, I’m no longer in a ‘good place’ when it comes to my binge eating disorder. It was difficult convincing myself to make this post, but relapsing and suffering are an unavoidable part of any eating disorder.

The emotional turmoil of any eating disorder is definitely a lot to handle, and I would like to note that this post is based entirely on personal experience – but I am still hoping it may resonate with a few readers.

As is typical during my binge-eating periods, I’m suffering from some really low emotional dips at the moment. Points following a binge where I just want to curl up and cry, and wish I could not only rip out the part of my brain that makes me eat uncontrollably, but rip out every bit of fat from my body at the same time. The constant hatred of the way I both look and think is quite taxing, so I’m writing a guide not just for you, but for myself; these are some of the ways I try to stay positive.

Yes – I wish you did love yourself. But it is not your fault if you don’t, and it is a part of recovery, not a prerequisite for recovery.

YOUR EATING DISORDER DOES NOT DEFINE YOU

At this point, it can often feel like your eating disorder is consuming your entire life. Maybe you feel like it’s gone beyond being a part of you to just being you.

Wrong!

You are so much more than your eating disorder. You are a person, not an illness. You have a laugh, a smile, and a cry. You are intelligent and brave, kind (even if you’re still learning to be kind to yourself) and incredibly strong. People do not look at you and see “eating disorder” they look at you and see YOU.

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL – EVEN ON THE OUTSIDE

I know I am supposed to tell you that it is beauty on the inside that counts – and I fully agree with this. But I also have an eating disorder, which means I know that beauty on the outside can mean a lot sometimes.

That little bit of fat you see around your waist every time you look in the mirror? The part of your body you zero in on every time you see your reflection, or the shorts that don’t fit quite right any more? No, I’m not going to tell you these don’t exist. I’m going to tell you that you are beautiful with them. They make up your character, they are a part of you and a part of what makes you special.

And, if you really need to hear it – which we all do, sometimes – they barely even register to anyone else. That extra skin on your thighs? I promise: nobody else is looking at your thighs closely enough to notice it. And even if they do, they probably don’t register it enough to remember it.

YOU HAVE NOT “FAILED”

This one is difficult for me to accept, and a large part of any relapse. But it is incredibly important. You have not failed, you are not a failure. Your ‘inability’ to stay on track is not an ‘inability’ at all but simply a necessary and valuable part of your journey.

You aren’t supposed to get it right first time, I promise. Nobody ever does. It may feel like you have gone backwards or ruined all of your progress. You have not.

Every single relapse you have, every time you find yourself at a low point, it is not going backwards but yet another step forwards. It’s not that you’ve fallen off your journey, it’s that your journey is made up of both highs and lows.

IT’S OKAY NOT TO LOVE YOURSELF

It’s difficult, okay. I know this, you know this.

Hopefully, one day you will love yourself. But it doesn’t just come overnight, unfortunately, and it sometimes feels totally impossible. And that is OK.

Yes – I wish you did love yourself. But it is not your fault if you don’t, and it is a part of recovery, not a prerequisite for recovery.

The Binge Relapse

Days in Recovery: 8

Days Binge-Free: 8

Hello readers, it’s been a while. And as you can probably tell from my numbers this evening, it’s been a bit of a bumpy ride recently. After more than eight weeks in recovery, I relapsed last month into binge eating disorder, and only managed to get back on my feet eight days ago.

It’s been a complicated five weeks since my initial relapse, and as anyone who has suffered with an eating disorder knows, it has taken a lot out of me mentally. But after a week back in recovery, I’m ready to write about my experience, and I thought it might be a good time to talk a little about what my relapse looked like (and why “relapse” and “binge eating disorder” aren’t as simple as they sound).

FIGHTING THE RELAPSE

‘Fighting the relapse’ is the period of time I like (or dislike?) to think of as the turning point from recovery into binge eating disorder, and possibly the most taxing mentally – and physically.

Binge eating disorder, for me, always returns in the same way: with a long mental battle. As you know, I had been in recovery for my longest period yet, but for some reason (triggered in some way, but that’s a whole different post) my binge eating returned.

Unfortunately for me, it never returns just like *that*, but with a long period of internal battle, and meticulously tracked days where I successfully stay clean vs. days where I ‘give in’ and binge eat.

For between three and five weeks, I can look back on the tracking I use on my phone – a simple yes-or-no “did I binge” calendar – and see the internal fight I was having.

Habit tracking calendar showing days in green (didn't binge) and red (did binge) for the month of July. — My habit tracking calendar for July.
Green = did not binge eat
Red = binged

WHAT THIS FEELS LIKE

Pretty awful, to be brutally honest. Even worse than my full-blown binge periods (picture the same calendar, but all red), because I haven’t yet adopted the “fuck it” mentality and am still angry and upset with myself every single day I binge.

Note: This is not to say I am not angry and upset during a full-blown binge period, but I often have days where I ‘shut off’ the feelings of anger or guilt in order to indulge myself. During the ‘fighting’ period, I do not have these shut off periods.

Mentally

Every single morning I wake up with the intention to stay clean. Sometimes with the intention to ‘make up’ for a binge, by not eating until dinner, not eating at all etc. – all part of the unhealthy mindset.

This means that every single failed evening is a night of shame and disgust. Even minutes after a binge finishes, I will sit and think to myself “why did I do this? Again?”. Effectively, it is like being hit mentally by a battering ram practically every second day. A constant cycle of hating myself, and hating my eating disorder.

Physically

Often the physical effects of an eating disorder, beyond weight loss or gain, aren’t mentioned at all. Yes, I start to gain weight very slowly, but the effects go far beyond this. I’m retaining water, my face is puffy and swollen from overeating and sugar overindulgence and my stomach sticks out uncomfortably and disproportionately because it is almost constantly over-full and bloated.

My features get softer and my acne returns, spurred on by excess sugar and fat. None of my clothes fit right, and I return to my pre-recovery trousers (even though recovery was eight weeks long, and this is only three). I feel my absolute worst. Not only do I look practically ill, I am out of breath climbing a single flight of stairs – likely due to a lack of proper nutrition such as fruit and veg – and for days at a time I will even forgo showering in order to spend more time binge eating and, afterwards, unwilling to leave my bed.

FULL-BLOWN “FUCK IT”

Mentally, this is almost like accepting that the worst has happened, and that life is hopeless. It involves letting my eating disorder fully take over my brain, resulting in daily binges often occurring in place of any regular or healthy eating schedule (5,000+kcal of chocolate and biscuits at 4pm, nothing else all day) because I am planning for my eating disorder.

It also involves the total and complete take over of my brain; every single thing I do is based on my eating disorder. Leaving parties and events early in order to go by the supermarket on the way home so I can binge eat, spending money that I genuinely do not have on mass amounts of food every day, not planning anything after 6pm because my binge will occur and I won’t want to leave my bed.

This is what my eating disorder looks like at its absolute worst. It takes over my entire life. I no longer feel uncomfortably full because my stomach has adjusted to the ridiculous amounts of food, but my whole body aches every morning and most of my earlier symptoms remain.

But the main reason why this is the scariest period: this is the point where I no longer care about recovering, and my eating-disorder-fuelled brain has decided that it doesn’t matter if I binge every single day for the rest of my life.

My habit tracking calendar for August.
Red = binged
Grey = not shown, see calendar above

In the spirit of small victories, this only lasted two weeks long.

While this seems like a long time, my last “fuck it” period lasted more than three months long.

I am, however, now back in recovery. A small sign, a big life shift, and a change of heart helped to pull me back on track – thankfully, only two weeks into my full-blown binge.

I know that I am still in the ‘honeymoon’ period of recovery, and it’s been plain sailing, but I feel good and strong and can hopefully hold out this time.

Relapsing is all part of the long recovery journey. This past relapse has just helped to make me stronger, and one step closer to full recovery.

The tracking app I use is HabitBull, with a habit that I have named “BED” for Binge Eating Disorder. It is free and uses a simple green/red system for a yes/no question, e.g. “Did I Binge Eat today?”, which can be specified for each habit.

The First Three Stages

Days in Recovery: 59

Days Binge-Free: 2

Today was a struggle, again, of having to remind myself (almost continuously) why it’s important not to binge eat and why it’s not “just one day” if I start to relapse today – because I know I will tell myself that every day.

On the bright side, I have devised/defined what I think are some of my personal stages of recovery, and I think I have entered a new stage.

STAGE ONE: WEIGHT LOSS

Time: The first 6 weeks.

The main motivation for my recovery is based on body image and weight, making it easier to stay on track. I don’t necessarily want to stop binge-eating so much as I want to lose weight for aesthetic reasons.

STAGE TWO: BINGE

Time: Consecutively, 1-2 days. Total, 2 weeks. Can become a relapse.

Once reasonably happy with my weight and body, I often say “fuck it” because I no longer view the eating as a problem any more. It was only an issue when it affected my appearance.

This stage involves miniature relapses that last no more than 2 days at a time (for why I don’t consider these a full relapse, see my definition of recovery here).

These days involve binge-eating, but without the extreme hopelessness of a typical binge. They are followed by at least 2 days of full recovery that do not involve restriction, extreme dieting or extreme exercise and do not involve mental punishment or self-hatred.

Note: Before now, I have fully relapsed every time I have reached this stage.

STAGE THREE: PROBLEM AWARENESS

Time: Unknown. This is my current recovery period.

I am starting to accept that I have an issue with eating that goes far beyond weight gain and body image, and that recovery is not just about losing weight and “looking good” but about having a healthy relationship with food.

My motivation up until this point was driven mostly by a desire to lose weight, so this stage involves finding other, more successful motivations such as mental health and general mindset improvements.

Note: Weight loss can still be a smaller, minor goal.

The loss of weight loss as a driving motivation (it is still in the background as something I would like) is making this stage really difficult, but I am actually finding myself excited to see what the rest of my recovery journey will look like.

That is what is keeping me going for now: the thought of what fully beating and recovering from my eating disorder will be like.