Days in Recovery: 59
Days Binge-Free: 2
Today was a struggle, again, of having to remind myself (almost continuously) why it’s important not to binge eat and why it’s not “just one day” if I start to relapse today – because I know I will tell myself that every day.
On the bright side, I have devised/defined what I think are some of my personal stages of recovery, and I think I have entered a new stage.
STAGE ONE: WEIGHT LOSS
Time: The first 6 weeks.
The main motivation for my recovery is based on body image and weight, making it easier to stay on track. I don’t necessarily want to stop binge-eating so much as I want to lose weight for aesthetic reasons.
STAGE TWO: BINGE
Time: Consecutively, 1-2 days. Total, 2 weeks. Can become a relapse.
Once reasonably happy with my weight and body, I often say “fuck it” because I no longer view the eating as a problem any more. It was only an issue when it affected my appearance.
This stage involves miniature relapses that last no more than 2 days at a time (for why I don’t consider these a full relapse, see my definition of recovery here).
These days involve binge-eating, but without the extreme hopelessness of a typical binge. They are followed by at least 2 days of full recovery that do not involve restriction, extreme dieting or extreme exercise and do not involve mental punishment or self-hatred.
Note: Before now, I have fully relapsed every time I have reached this stage.
STAGE THREE: PROBLEM AWARENESS
Time: Unknown. This is my current recovery period.
I am starting to accept that I have an issue with eating that goes far beyond weight gain and body image, and that recovery is not just about losing weight and “looking good” but about having a healthy relationship with food.
My motivation up until this point was driven mostly by a desire to lose weight, so this stage involves finding other, more successful motivations such as mental health and general mindset improvements.
Note: Weight loss can still be a smaller, minor goal.
The loss of weight loss as a driving motivation (it is still in the background as something I would like) is making this stage really difficult, but I am actually finding myself excited to see what the rest of my recovery journey will look like.
That is what is keeping me going for now: the thought of what fully beating and recovering from my eating disorder will be like.
Diary of a Food Addict 